shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think I just shit out all my problems.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
