I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
