I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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