Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
