Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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