he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
