I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
