My liver just broke up with me...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
