Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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