I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
What drink are we having for lunch?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
