What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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