I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
