everyone is single if you try hard enough
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
