literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
