I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
