can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
