hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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