it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
