Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize