i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
