turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
