Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize