Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I am one with the molecules
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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