My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
