Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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