Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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