You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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