I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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