Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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