I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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