I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
