My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
