If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
