i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
