she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
