He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
