fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize