I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the condom got lost in my hair
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
