just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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