Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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