I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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