Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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