I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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