omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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