Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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