After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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