Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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