my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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