i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
