he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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