I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
