Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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