Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
